“For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body ruled by sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin–” Romans 6:6
Recently, I found myself in a field of sunflowers. I was surrounded by their beauty and as I smiled to take a photo, no one but I knew the significance of the moment I was standing in. How could a flower mean so much to me? Well, many years ago, I had an experience involving sunflowers that changed how I saw them. Their meaning, their beauty taken from me to the point I couldn’t even look at them. So, to be engulfed by them with a full smile and filled with hope is proof that my old self was crucified so that I would no longer be a slave to my sin.
How could a beautiful sunflower symbolize so much to me? It all goes back to “self.” I had recently given myself to the Lord and asked Him to order my life. I had been delivered from a life ordered the way I thought it should be and on the verge of building it the way God had designed it to be. When my first real chance to witness my faith came, I was like a sunflower on fire for the Lord shining bright arms raised to the sun with a smile that couldn’t fade.
But God….
He knew how far I had to go in my surrender. I was just a sunflower seedling (the kind often nibbled at the base by a rabbit) longing to be that mammoth sunflower towering above with a nice strong stalk difficult to be broken. While I walked along with the Lord, He held my hand as I stepped forward on a path that would lead to the death of my “self” and take me to new life in Him. I offered my whole entire exuberant self to this new experience. Sharing my truths, my heart, and my love for God, my hopes and dreams. One of which was a beautiful image of a verse across a field of sunflowers and a story shared about a farmer I once learned planted a field of sunflowers for his mother because he knew she loved them so much. I remember hearing that story and thinking, “Wow, how amazing would a mother feel if her son sacrificed a field of cash crop to plant a field of sunflowers just because she loved them?”
I had never experienced a love expressed that greatly…
But God…
He was about to teach me that His love is far greater than one sunflower field. And in due time, the sunflower story went a direction I hadn’t expected. I stumbled on knowledge that the inspiring story I shared was brought to life, but I was just peeking from a distance to view it. I may have helped to inspire but I was not the intended audience and as reality set in, my heart ached and my “self” begin to die.
“Very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds.” John 12:24
What took me years to unpack was that God led me through a situation that allowed me to die. He let this sunflower seed die so that when He healed me and brought me to new life I could produce many seeds. Again it took me a long, long, long, long time to accept that God would allow discipline to those He loves.
“…because the Lord disciplines the one he loves.” Hebrews 12:6
See, I thought once I chose to follow the Lord I would be free of pain because I was listening and obeying. BUT….I went on to endure one of the greatest pains I had ever experienced. It confused me. My clinging to God for some time through my doubt is really what catapulted me down the path to surrender. When I realized that what was happening to me was a beautiful thing. My old self was being crucified, killed. Yes my heart was ripped out of my chest and God had to sew me back together stitch by stitch, but the strength of my new self, my new identity in Christ alone was making me powerful in ways I had never been before. It was helping me love more deeply. It was helping me endure more hard things. It was preparing me for the road ahead so that I could finish this race strong with perseverance.
It took me a couple years to look at a sunflower again without crying. But I remember the first time I faced a beautiful field and God invited me to walk next to it and place my hand on one. It was a start. So, to see a field, smile at its beauty and tromp into it smiling for a photo—yep that is a true miracle.
Father, I am so grateful for the hand that held mine, walking me into that sunflower field. It was as if you were with me, cheering me on. I know you have never left me. I pray today for all who read this, that they may face their “sunflower field,” and take old painful memories and create new ones. That old triggers of pain and sadness can be replaced with new healing moments that bring a smile. That they can lose their old self and gain a new self in your identity. I love you and appreciate the difficult lessons all these years as they are making me stronger each day and I hope sharing them will make others remember their strength in you.
Father, Today I Surrender:
My Self
Show me the next step I should take.