“The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Deuteronomy 31:8
One night, I lay in bed thinking about one of my sons. I was really seeking God’s help to illuminate for me what I needed to talk to him about to address some of the words and behaviors happening lately. I just needed help to understand….and God brought a memory to my mind and whispered, “Ask him about this one.” “This one” was a memory from almost 9 years ago, something we had talked about many times, but God knew more needed to be uncovered to help this boy move forward. Morning couldn’t come fast enough. I went in and snuggled under the covers with him and started down the journey to that memory and God was right! New information was being uncovered, new details, new descriptions….all shadowed the memory.
Moms hurt when they see their children hurt. Partly because we want to shield them from pain and feel responsible if we didn’t do something to stop it. I had to start letting that go many years ago when circumstances clearly out of my control forced me to trust God with my children in my absence. He is omnipresent and omniscient-spiritual gifts we just don’t have, so we have to know when to hand that skill back over and have faith.
As I sat with this new “memory,” I felt another whisper, “Shine some light on this for me.” So, I went back to the same memory and told him what I was going through in the midst of his memory, how I had prepared the days leading to it, in it, and after it. I was able to shine a light of truth around the memory in a way he hadn’t realized before. I felt very privileged to be in a moment with my son remembering a time he felt forsaken and alone in which God knew the details and was there the whole time helping him right now unpack those memories. My son and I looked at each other very deeply and saw each other in a new way. There was compassion in both of our eyes to realize God had never left us….
“You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me.” Psalm 139:5
I love much of this Psalm it reminds us how individually and specifically rare and wonderful we are to our Father, creator, in Heaven. This particular verse led me to a huge breakthrough many years ago. I was at a women’s retreat night when a song with this verse was sang. I began to weep because I felt so humbled, seen, and comforted to know God had gone behind me and before me. He had never left me in what felt like such a long, dark valley. He hemmed me in, tucked me nice and neat to clean me up, lay His hand of healing upon me, and lead me forward just as He was doing for my son now.
Memories….they can bring a smile or a tear. Some memories bring a laugh or help you recall a funny story that went along with them. While other memories can bring that sharp pain, the punch to the gut reminder of how someone or a particular situation made us feel. Rather than sit and bask in that memory you may want to run from it, shove it back down, stay hurt or angry, relive it and hurt all over again.
But God…..He wants to re-write the story. Shine some light on it, heal it, make good out of it for the saving of you and many others (Genesis 50:20).
Take a moment to close your eyes and recall a memory you have been storing that needs some light and healing to wash over it. You may have lived many years since that memory, walked a lot of miles, maybe driven or moved far away from it, but try something new today. Replay the memory, ask someone you trust to walk through it with you, and let God shine new light upon it, new understanding around it, and heal you and the others involved. Release it back up and let the barbs hooked in you dragging it around be removed. Set yourself free. Forgive and be filled again by the only one who can.
I ventured into my oldest photo album of childhood memories to see which “memory” stood out to me and the one that stood out didn’t need healing, it inspired me. It was 12 year old me creating my first garden. I’ve never had a garden like this since. I was young, enthusiastic, full of life and ideas, with a love of outdoors and plants. I also had help to make a dream come to life. As I type this I think I am having a healing moment realizing that I’ve arrived at that place in my life where the child in the picture has been replaced with my own and I am standing by watching and supporting their dreams come to life. I was planting seeds of vegetables and flowers where now I am still that little girl, just a little bigger and more worn, planting seeds of a different kind in my own sons.
Life is quite a journey….thankful to be taking it with you!
P.S. If you want to feel known, loved, rare, and wonderful, listen to this song:
Pat Barrett, Canvas and Clay ft. Ben Smith: https://youtu.be/OcDRp0zWGIw?si=fjTKaCy3Qx7UV-FF
Father, Today I Surrender:
My Memories
Show me the next step I should take.