“Do you want to get well?” John 5:6
As our house woke up on a fresh, new Monday morning this week, something was off. I could feel it before everyone even came together at breakfast. Soon, I was reminded of this verse, that I have written on a note in our home office:
“For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.” James 3:16
My sons were filled with envy related to wants they shared with each other. They were growing in fear that one may save and purchase something they hoped to get and before you knew it, selfish ambition and envy were leading to chaos and disorder. That’s when I knew this was a week God was going to give us a lesson in envy. As I realized the significance of the deep root that was growing, God illuminated the consequence I was to administer. I made this promise to God and announced it to my boys as well as wrote and posted it on our fridge, “Father, if my sons show jealousy over each other sharing a “like” item, I will remove it from this home!” It had become so clear to me that the root of envy had grown out of control when I recalled this verse:
“And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.” Matthew 5:30
One of my sons was in shock. He was so angry at this possibility that instead of being grateful for the warning, he saw it as a certainty to come. He believed he was doomed to fail and was about to give up. The thought of losing that which he “loved” or really liked was enough to make him pause. He knew a real change was needed and he wasn’t sure he could make it.
I began to ask God to help me see where I had envy. Nothing was coming to my mind…..until I lay down to sleep one night and He reminded me of the very specific moment He began to heal me so that I could overcome that very sin. It was about 4 years ago. I woke up with a sad heart and as I kneeled to read a devotion, desperate to feel God’s presence, this verse lay before me:
“One who was there had been an invalid for thirty-eight years. When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, “Do you want to get well?” John 5: 5-6
Believe it or not, this caught my attention, why? Because I was 38 years old at the time! It was like God said, “I see you. Are you ready to be well?” I was confused because I felt well. What did I have left to be healed from?
Well…..complete transparency, the desire to have a partner in my life I could count on. Someone who believed in me and I in them. Someone to serve the Lord with and face hard things together. Someone to raise my children with who valued them the way I did. Someone to set and reach goals with.
But 38 years Lord? How could I have possibly been ill for 38 years with this sin, I mean I was a little girl for many of those…
Hmm.
Ding! (This “ding” didn’t come until earlier this year! Sometimes we really do need patience to understand!)
As a little girl, I saw my dad go to work every day and return home fully present and ready to be “dad” again. He changed his clothes and didn’t leave us for the gym or another social gathering; he just “stayed” home. He found ways to exercise in the basement or on a run so he could be there for us. I saw my dad help with grocery shopping and meals. I saw my dad be there for my mom and never leave. Whether the day involved a lot of fun or a lot of struggle, he was still there the next day. I had a dad who stayed up until he could barely keep his eyes open to help me complete hard things like math homework, spreadsheets, or taxes. I had a dad show up in the middle of the week to pick me up from a sporting event in a remote town so I could get home quicker no matter how long of a day he had. I had a dad listen to my hopes and dreams and help me set goals to achieve them.
So, as a woman, I thought I would just get one of “these” kind of amazing men in my life. It’s only fair, right? I spent time longing for that type of person I could always count on to navigate life with, but instead was left with well, disappointment and loneliness. Until that morning when God showed up and called me out and began to heal me deeply.
I asked that He alone fill me and that I may desire nothing else. At that request, He began to show me things I could have never learned with a partner. He showed me that what I don’t have, I can become or He will provide. That the things I value and treasure I can instill in my sons. He showed me how to better love others who feel lost, lonely, or rejected, for how could I ever do that if I hadn’t been in their shoes. He replaced my “envy” with determination. Determination to become someone others could count on. Determination to raise sons others could count on. Determination to honor those people in my life that I could count on and shower them with gratitude.
God amazes me with the way He leads us, gently, steadily through lessons. I had the honor of taking a trip with my dad and sons to a Christian Trade Show earlier this summer. My dad hadn’t left my mom for that length of time and I truly, truly appreciated his investment into the calling God had put on my boys and I to attend this event and share our story. His presence reminded me that God always provides what we need when we need it. We need not envy or want for anything we do not have for at the right time, He always provides it,
“The lions may grow weak and hungry, but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing” Psalm 34:10
Selecting the right image for today was difficult. How do you capture the lesson of “envy” in a photo? Nothing came to me until I remembered this particular photo that made me pause. It was the most genuinely happy I have ever seen my mom in a picture; when she took her first picture with my dad after he returned home from our trip this summer. Her face showed so much love and gratitude for the treasure that she saw in someone she has always been able to count on and I felt no envy. I felt determination. Determination to continue the race the Lord has laid out for me with the experiences He has given me to become one others can count on. Determination to raise Godly sons whom others can count on. Determination to be grateful to everyone in my life who has shown up just when I needed it most. And…gratitude, that God helped me “see” so I may be healed.
Today, think about this:
What is it that you long for or want that you don’t have?
Ask God to replace that longing with a determination to create the best life you’ve ever had!
Father, Today I Surrender:
My Envy
Show me the next step I should take.
Replacing envy with determination, Julie
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דירות דיסקרטיות בתל אביב Lashaunda Zane
Thank you! I appreciate this and am thankful you have been blessed by it!