“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.” 2 Corinthians 5:17
Pain welled up in our home this week. It welled up so greatly that as I took a walk to renew myself it felt as if I were lifting cement bricks with every step. I couldn’t get my family on track. Something was screaming it was time for change and I couldn’t get my finger on what exactly to change. My light dimmed to a flicker and my hope was far, far away. I was desperate for a sign, an encouragement when I remembered my special place, the “thin” place where I experience God in one of the deepest ways, the place I found Him to begin with those many years ago when I felt lonely, rejected, and forgotten. It is a special park in the town where my boys were born and started their life.
As we drove the longer drive it takes to get there now, I felt my heart beating faster and my ability to take a breath get more difficult. The intensity of my emotion was building to a point in which I needed relief. As we rolled into town, our first turn was down the street where we lived. We pulled into an old friend’s driveway and they opened their door. We caught up on life and shared about the passing of our dogs whom we had both tended to for one another in times of need. Next we had a picnic at the park and played on the same equipment my boys first learned to swing, slide, and run on. Then we decided to walk the old walk back “home.” We were about to leave when I remembered a special neighbor I needed to visit, but when we arrived, she didn’t answer the door, I was two months too late, she had passed. As I learned that news, I cried. Then I learned my other elderly neighbor whom I had many visits with had passed just a few months before.
Those women had poured into me and I into them. They saw me become a mother. They saw me full of light and life as I started this journey of parenting and faith, full of enthusiasm. Time has marched on, and today they may have seen a different woman. Still parenting, still full of faith, but more worn and weary. I’ve endured hardship and struggle and I really could have used their encouragement and wisdom for this stretch of my journey. As I headed down the road for our journey back, I almost screeched to a halt when I remembered one more stop I needed to make. I rolled into the driveway of a property holding a beautiful family farm, generations of faithful individuals who had nurtured their family and maintained their faith. It had been too long since I had seen the smile on an old friend’s face at my familiarity. One to remind me that someone in the past did remember me and my boys, they saw us and knew who we were and loved and believed in us. I needed that kind of reassurance, it grounded me. I headed down their lane to visit another family member where we talked about other loved ones who had died and about the hardships we had endured since our departure from that beautiful place we once shared. I cried healing tears as I remembered who we were, where we have been, and in the space in between, God began to remind me where we were going. He renewed my faith, my hope, and our purpose and as we walked down the lane back to our car, I knew why He sent me here. The last stop, to give me hope and a vision for our future. To remind me what these last many years of faith have been all about….
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11
The past, sometimes it haunts us, but if we look it right in the face, it helps us. It heals us. It reminds us who we are, how we got here, and where we are going. I was surrounded by death in this place with so many people gone, but today it was like they were with me saying, “Keep going!” The small glass candy dish, that one neighbor gave me years ago, remains in my kitchen meaning so much more now that she is gone. The little flashlights the other neighbor gave my boys around Halloween when they were small still sitting in a drawer. The sidewalks that we biked, ran, and talked on remain. Most of all, the grassy park in which I stared up to God begging for a change I knew our family needed echoed back to me as God reminded me, the change came and I need not be afraid. We are right where we are supposed to be.
I almost didn’t write a devotion this week. I am just a few hours away from missing my typical time to email this out, but my heart couldn’t form words of encouragement this week. I asked God to support my silence this week or fill me with inspiration. He chose to fill me at just the right moment to spill out the life He miraculously gave back to me. I didn’t drive back home sad today, I came back home determined and certain that our pain has been for purpose. To better love others in pain, period. To see people better. We simply cannot love others without understanding the depth of pain people are living with. My heart is beating, my lungs are breathing, my light is brighter, and I know God is still in control. He still has a plan and you and I are a part of it.
“Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us in shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.” Romans 5:3-5
I hope this week, you can revisit a place where you know God made change happen, remember what He can do and He will do it again and again. Find someone who knows you at your deepest place, who believes in you so you can quiet the doubt in your head. Let your faith return and trust, He will finish what He has started! Then, keep stepping forward; shed that layer and journey on!
You are seen and I know He is so proud of your progress!
All the love I have left to give,
Julie
Father, Today I Surrender:
My Past
Show me the next step I should take.